Befuddlement
by Avalon Estel
Summary: One night, Glorfindel finds a monster in Elrond's room. He, Erestor, and Lindir try to find out what it is and more importantly, what it's done to the Lord and Lady. Not as epic as it sounds. [Oneshot: COMPLETE]


Befuddlement

A/N: Just another one of my stupidly humorous one-shots about Rivendell. My sister Arwen came up with the story, and Alu supplied some of the crazier ideas. Many thanks and hugs to them both!

* * *

"I am sick and tired of having you order me around all the time!" shouted Celebrían. "You tell me what to wear, how to put up my hair, how to walk, how to tell someone there's mud on their shirt – I'm sick of it!" 

"But you don't know our proper etiquette!" Elrond protested. "I _have_ to teach you!"

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe I already know how to do those things?" she threw back. "I _am_ the daughter of Galadriel and Celeborn! They were alive back in the First Age! My father was from Doriath! My mother was from _Valinor_!"

"Yeah?" Elrond countered. "Well, _my_ parents are the reason any of us can go back to Valinor at all!"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"Fine!" Celebrían said, crossing her arms. "You sleep on the balcony!"

"What?" Elrond asked incredulously.

"You heard me!" Celebrían grabbed a spare blanket and Elrond's pillow, threw them onto the balcony, pushed _Elrond _onto the balcony, and locked the doors. Elrond shouted in disbelief for a while, beating on the glass and looking livid with rage. Celebrían smiled smugly and dropped the key into her dresser drawer, bringing forth a second wave of anger from Elrond. Finally, he gave up and slumped to the ground, resolving to glare at her to the point that she couldn't get any sleep.

It didn't work.

Celebrían hummed as she rolled her hair into her curlers and applied her mud mask. With a sigh, she laid back on the bed that she usually shared with Elrond and laid two cucumber slices over her eyes. Seeing this, Elrond huffily covered his head with the blanket and turned away from the door.

"At least it's not a rainy night," he muttered to himself.

Ten seconds later, it began to rain.

Elrond growled like some wild animal. Celebrían didn't notice him _or_ the rain. She was blissfully sleeping.

* * *

Glorfindel ran down the hall, trying to get away from the twins' room, where he'd just cleverly installed a prank that resulted in a bucket of water pouring on a person's head as they opened the door. Because of his hurry, he wasn't watching where he was going. Because he wasn't watching where he was going, he crashed into a large vase. 

A large, ancient Numenorean vase.

A large, ancient, important, PRICELESS Numenorean vase.

Glorfindel stared at the shattered remnants of the vase in horror. What was he going to do? With a sigh he decided to go tell Elrond then, instead of waiting until morning. So he grabbed the hem of his sleeping robes and walked down the hall.

Which was precisely the wrong thing to do.

Glorfindel didn't know this, however, and cautiously made his way to Elrond's bedroom. He knocked on the door. Waited. Knocked again. Waited. No answer. He tentatively pushed the door open.

"Elrond?" he called in a loud whisper.

Again, no answer.

"Elrond!"

Nothing.

He stepped inside, figuring he'd wake Elrond, confess, then head off to bed before the Elf-Lord could wreak his fierce revenge. So he was very surprised to see a figure lying in the bed, with strange round pink devices ringing its head and a brown sort of clay on its face. It also had a large, staring pair of bright green eyes. In some dark recess of his mind, one that he wasn't really paying that much attention to, he mused that the eyes looked like cucumber slices. However, he didn't pay any heed to that part of his mind. Instead, he turned around and tiptoed out the door, closing it gently behind him.

And promptly ran down the hall in a frenzy of terror.

* * *

Erestor had just blown out the candle in his room and was settling into bed as the door to his room flew open and slammed into the wall next to it. A dark figure stood in the doorway. 

"_Now _what is it, Glorfindel?" he asked with a sigh, sitting up again. "What did they put in your hair _this_ time?"

Glorfindel didn't say anything. He walked in and stood by Erestor's bed.

"Is everything all right?" Erestor asked, slightly worried about Glorfindel's sudden silence. He was almost never quiet. Something was wrong.

"I'm going to tell you something, and you have to promise not to scream," Glorfindel whispered.

Erestor rolled his eyes. "Okay, I promise."

"A monster is in Lord Elrond's room, and it _ate_ him and Lady Celebrían!" the Vanya squealed.

Erestor glared at him. "Go to sleep, Glorfindel."

"No, really, Erestor!" Glorfindel protested. "There really is a…something in that room!'

"A something?" Erestor asked. "Was it an Orc?"

"No."

"A Goblin?"

"Huh-uh."

"An Ent?"

"Do you really think an Ent could fit in there?"

"No, you're right. A Balrog?"

Glorfindel glared at him. "I'd be able to tell if it was a Balrog."

"I suppose." Erestor shook his head. "Can you describe it?"

"Well, it had a brown face, pink things on its head, and big, staring green eyes. Now that I think of it, the eyes looked kind of like cucumber slices."

Erestor gazed at him skeptically a moment, then said, "Go to bed, Glorfindel."

"I'm _serious_," Glorfindel insisted.

"All right, fine. I'll come have a look at this _monster_."

* * *

Elrond lay on the balcony, curled up in a ball to keep himself as dry as possible. Suddenly, he realized something. 

_I don't have to stay out here! I'm the Lord of Imladris, not Celebrían! Which means no one has any right to kick me out! So ha to her! _

He climbed over the side of the balcony and hung precariously for a moment. Then, he took a deep breath and let go. He fell for a few seconds, then landed hard on his bottom.

"Ow!" he yelped. After he'd regained his senses, he got up and headed inside.

* * *

Erestor carefully opened the door and glanced inside. 

"Can you see it?" Glorfindel asked, leaning over Erestor's shoulder.

"Not yet," Erestor said, waiting for his eyes to adjust. When they finally did, he gasped and shut the door quickly.

"Did you see it?" Glorfindel asked gleefully.

"Yes, I saw it."

"What are we going to do?"

"Well, we're not going to tell anyone. We don't want to alarm every Elf here," Erestor said sensibly.

"Okay."

Erestor furrowed his brows and tried to think. "How about an ambush?"

"Oh, I like that! What do we hit it with?"

"I don't know," Erestor said.

Just then, he caught sight of Lindir ambling down the hall, a jar of peanut butter in hand.

"Lindir?" Erestor asked.

Glorfindel looked confused. "We're going to hit it with Lindir?"

"No, you idiot. We're gonna knock the door down with his head!"

"Really? I'll get some rope." Glorfindel started down the hall.

"You stupid Elf, get back here!" Erestor said, just barely keeping his voice a whisper.

"I'm not stupid. You're the one who can't make up his mind."

Erestor glared at him and muttered incoherently.

"That's not very nice," Glorfindel said.

"Lindir is coming," Erestor said.

"No, he's here," Glorfindel corrected.

Lindir pulled his spoon from his mouth. "Ooh, what are you doing? Making a plan? I love plans. I enjoy being part of plans."

"That's good, Lindir – " Erestor began to say, but the peanut butter-obsessed harpist interrupted.

"Is it a _conspiracy_? I've _always_ wanted to be part of a conspiracy! Are you going to overthrow Lord Elrond? Is it a _coup_?"

"There are lots of coup attempts in Mirkwood," Erestor said, trying the distraction card. "You should go there."

"There are?" Glorfindel asked.

Erestor stepped on his foot.

"Ow! I mean, yeah, lots!"

Suddenly, Lindir gasped. "Are the bird people coming?" He grabbed Erestor by the front of his shirt. "Where are the bird people?"

"Uh…downstairs?" Erestor suggested.

"Thank you!" Lindir clutched his peanut butter tighter and ran down the hall.

"Bird people?" Glorfindel asked.

Erestor shrugged.

* * *

Lindir sprinted down the hall. He'd been scared of the bird people since he was a little Elfling. Now they were _coming!_ He practically flew down the corridor, and unwittingly slammed into a wall. As he sat up and rubbed his head, he saw another Numenorean vase. An idea began forming in his mind…

* * *

Elrond stomped into the Last Homely House. He huffed down the halls, positively seething. There was a flash of lightning, and in that brief second, he saw a shadow around the corner. It was a tall shape, holding a large something over its head as if to hit someone over the head as they walked past. 

Something told the dripping Elf-Lord that he was that someone.

He walked up to the corner and grabbed the person by the neck. They gave a hoarse scream. "The bird people!" the person shrieked.

"Lindir, you dimwit, it's me!" Elrond said.

"Oh," Lindir said, relaxing despite the fact that Elrond's hand was still around his neck.

"What are you doing with that vase?" Elrond asked.

"I-I was just looking at it," Lindir lied. "Yeah, that's it. I was looking at it."

"Right," Elrond said, letting go of him.

"Bye, Lord Elrond!" Lindir called in a loud whisper.

"Goodnight, Lindir," Elrond muttered, going on down the hall.

Lindir looked at the vase in his hands, then hurriedly placed it back on the floor. He then retreated to his room in order to protect himself from the bird people.

* * *

Elrond walked into his bedroom in time to see Erestor and Glorfindel standing over Celebrían, swords in hand and ready to strike. 

"What are you two doing in my room? And what are you doing to my wife?" he demanded.

"We were – it's a – but we thought – you're alive?" Erestor spluttered.

"Of course, I'm alive! But why are you in here?"

Glorfindel looked down at Celebrían. "This is…this is Lady Celebrían?" he asked sheepishly.

"Yes," Elrond said. "What did you think she was?"

Glorfindel gulped. "A monster."

Elrond shook his head in disbelief. "And why are you so surprised to see me alive?"

"Because we thought it – I mean _she_ – had eaten you," Erestor said.

"Go to sleep, you two," Elrond commanded.

The two advisors slunk from the room, their hands over their eyes, for the Lady _was_ in her nightclothes. Elrond waited until they were gone, then closed the door and changed into some dry clothes. He sat down next to Celebrían on the bed.

"Hey, Celebrían?" he asked.

She didn't stir.

With a sigh of contentment, Elrond snuggled down into the blankets, but felt Celebrían stiffen beside him.

"Who's there?" she demanded.

"Elrond, honey," her husband assured her.

"Elrond?" she asked, not bothering to remove the cucumber slices. "What are you doing back in here?"

"We made up."

"We did?"

"Yep."

"Oh." She dozed off again in a matter of seconds.

Elrond smiled. He'd tell her everything in the morning.

Just then, a scream pierced the quiet.

"The bird people are coming!"

Elrond covered his head with his blanket. It was going to be a _long_ night.

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry if you didn't get the bird people joke. It was in "Around the World in 80 Days", so you wouldn't get it unless you've seen the movie. And if you haven't, I hope you liked it, anyway. Please review, and if you do, please don't curse! 


End file.
